[INTERVIEW] with Becky Aste: The Power of Healing Trauma in Relationships for Your Business Breakthrough

This episode is transcribed using AI.  

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Hello. Hello. Welcome back to another Purpose in Pixie Dust podcast. I am super excited for our guest today. Um, Becky, tell us a little bit about you, all the things who you are, how you got to what you're doing, and then we will dive into our conversation from there.

 I'm so excited. I feel like I'm taking a trip to Disney right now. Honored to be in your space. Um, I, yeah. I'm Becky Aste. I'm a trauma-informed marriage coach, and I help deeply committed, but emotionally exhausted wives save their marriage by moving trauma out of their body. And I'm not, you know, coming from a place of I've just like nailed marriage and let me shower you with my wisdom. Um, I wanted that to be my story, but it, it wasn't, my husband and I married young. We were married for 10 years, and when we were good, we were good, but when we weren't, we had this toxic dance of like codependency and addiction and we fueled our negativity and brought out some of the worst of each other over the years. And it reached a TED year, 10 of marriage. Two kids later we found ourselves separated and on the verge of divorce.

And I was really frustrated because we had tried everything. We had tried therapy, couples counseling, um, E M D R books, podcasts, marriage retreats, like every stone you could unturn and how are we worse off than when we started? And so that's when I stumbled upon this buzzer beater game changer, uh, course that taught me how to restore connection and trust and intimacy with my husband by moving trauma out of my body. And it was an eight week course that changed the game. Fast forward, he moved back in, we reconciled, we were more authentic with each other, had all the conversations, you know, that we had swept under the rug for years, um, and began a healing journey. And now today, I'm grateful as ever to say he and I are best friends and thriving and, you know, we, it's really made us so much stronger everything that we've been through. And I'm grateful to be able to pass this work to a lot of other women and save them 10 years of their journey. Um, and a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Oh my gosh, there's so much there. But congratulations. I feel like that's like a huge, a huge, huge breakthrough to be able to do that and to repair a relationship when for a lot of people who I'm sure who do not know how to do that, I can't speak for experience myself, but it's just like you call it the quits and then it's time to move on. Um, so I think that's really awesome that you were able to do that. So how do you, let's fast forward to what you do with that today. How do you help women, um, go through that? Do you have like a small group? Is it more one-on-one? What does that look like?

Yeah, I have a group coaching program. It's a six month container, um, that you come in and it's in a group format with one-on-one additions as well within the program. So you get the best of both worlds. Um, and I really walk women through just starting with safety in their body and moving into mastering emotional literacy and how to properly grieve and how to communicate in a way that your husband really hears you, how to tap into your intuition. Um, this is moving through the body. You know, we kind of hit, we used the shocker system as a tool to get really familiar just with your own body. And if I could sum up the entire program, I would steal the title from, um, Dr. Bessel VanDerKolk's book. The Body Keeps the Score. Uh, it's a book that's gaining popularity, but the whole idea, the whole concept is that our body keeps the score of the emotional trauma that we've been through. And it creates these energetic subconscious barriers between you and the people that you love, between you and, you know, your upper elements of business between you and your, you know, goals of health, whatever the, the goal is, um, moving trauma outta your, your body and healing yourself on a subconscious level can really open the door to some unexpected breakthroughs.

Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like I have just really started diving into the energetics of that, because to me, when I first heard the word trauma in the business realm or amongst my friends, like I was so used to thinking of like trauma as like huge, huge, huge, big events. And I think it's important to remember that it doesn't have to be. So can you talk to us a little bit about, um, maybe for someone who was like me and had that idea in your mind, like, like, I thought of trauma, like third degree burn, you know, like , or I guess third is third degree the worst. Yes. I think, right. Okay. Like something like that. Um, could you talk to us a little bit about like what trauma even maybe is, like how small it could be, but yet how big and powerful that could be?

I love that question, and that's where my mindset was too. I had always thought of trauma as like a big, you know, car accident or losing a loved one or getting cheated on or like the big things. And you know, those are known as big T traumas, big treat, big T traumas are things that really threaten your sense of safety often in a big, you know, too fast, too soon, too hard type of way. Um, then there's little t traumas, which is kind of like death by a thousand paper cuts. And so sometimes it is just the slow psychological abuse of being in, you know, a relationship. Or in some cases, some people come from a well-intentioned spiritual community, but you know, are undergoing a lot of low level psychological abuse, just little like, can barely notice it for so many years over time. Or growing up in a home, um, where there's emotional neglect, not because the parents are bad or you know, are doing anything malicious, but they just don't know how to offer their children that connection and that deep core need that we all have of just being loved and accepted for who we are.

 And so there's so much trauma that can just sneak under their radar, but the definition of trauma is anything that overwhelms your nervous system's ability to cope. And so it can be a big jolting thing or it can be like death by a thousand paper cuts.

 Oh my gosh, I nev I have never heard it explained that way. And I think that's such a good visual mm-hmm. a lot, you know, a lot of the times when we're dealing with that, again, it it's not that big thing and it's a little thing and a lot of people that I have talked to have a hard time figuring it out. Do you see that as well? I'm sure you do in your line of work,

 Yes. Because one, I think just understanding the definition can help clarify like when you dig into the definition of trauma and then kind of hold that up as a mirror to your life experience, that can sometimes help, like, oh, by definition, yeah, that's what I've been through. Um, but also it can be just because of gaslighting, you know, which is, you know, gaslighting is just when somebody tries to thwart reality, thwart your perception of reality really with like a malicious intent or an intent to, um, protect their own ego. Uh, but it is basically not getting validated for what your reality is. And so if you're either in a relationship or grew up in a home, or have been in an environment where, let's say when you're sad or, you know, expressing your emotions and just for example, how many of you've heard from your parents, like, the girls don't cry or, you know, like, I'll give you something to cry about or pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Um, we live in a society that's really good at invalidating our experience and it's not always intentional. Sometimes, most often it is actually unintentional, but then it becomes really hard for us to validate our own experience.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So one of the things, I think it was the first thing that you said was that you walk women through is, I think you worded it security in your own body. What does that mean?

Yeah, you know, I use the title, the Body Keeps the Score. If I were to sum up my program, but if I were to sum up like what's actually happening on a client journey, it's really, I would say it's learning how to come home to yourselves. So we, we don't feel safe in our own bodies when we go through trauma because, you know, it's our nervous system's response is to protect us at all costs. You know, if we're triggered by something or experience something traumatic, all of a sudden our body is like danger, danger, sending off the alarm sy you know, signals. And we go into fight, flight, freeze or faw. Those are our natural body's responses to protect us. And they're not bad. They're actually a sign that your body is working just how it should. And this is evolutionary and it's been around since bears were attacking us as humans. And you literally needed to like fight the bear, run away from it, freeze be silent, like maybe I won't notice this. Or Fawn is the most untalked about response and that's like, here, bear here, take a little fish. Like it's, it can come off.

I often ask you, I was like, I don't think I know that one that's the least talked about one. Yeah. It's, it shows up as like people pleasing

 Today, but like, if our sense of security is threatened or we don't feel safe, you know, we can do that in relationships. Like, please love me, please reassure me, you know, please. Um, so it's not bad when our nervous system gets into that state of unsafety or survival or danger, but the problem comes when we've gone through so much trauma, you know, over the course of our lives and we live in a modern day western society that isn't really equipped to teach us how to move trauma out of our body. Um, we were very sedentary, you know, and we're in our homes, you know, even right now, like in front of our screens so much, we're not moving our body. We're not out there, you know, like some cultures, um, dancing and drumming and singing, like that's kind of woowoo like you're a little off the grid if you're doing a lot of that. And so we get stuck in this nervous system of unsafety and the whole goal is to start there and learn how to return to a state of safety, um, which is called the parasympathetic nervous system.

Oh my gosh, I love all this . I feel like I'm like, I wanna know all the parts of your book , like , all of this. Um, and it's so if you have been a listener of the show for a while, I have added in some of the woo as I have been starting to learn about it. So I think this is probably right along with my listeners exactly where they're at in the journey too. So how did you decide to turn all of this into a business? Let's talk about that , because I always love to hear how people were like, yes, I should, I should help other people with this

Man. I was just so at my wits end like hanging on by a thread of hope with my own marriage. And so when I invested in that final course, um, that I was talking about that taught me how to move trauma outta my body in the first place, um, I was just so blown away at what was happening in my home and in my relationship with my husband. I was like, what is the, like how we've tried for 10 years to do all the things and like now I'm feeling this drastic difference and we're having conversations we were never able to have before. Like, what is happening? And so it just got to a point where our marriage was thriving so much. I was like, how can I get this out there? And I remember talking to my coach and I was like, how do I do what you do? Like all I know is I've had got this experience and I have ideas of what I'm passionate about, like how do I turn this into a business? So she directed me to a business coach and she was like, she'll teach you everything. Just go with her. And so I did that. I was like, I dunno what I'm doing. This is a leap of faith. Um, a lot of imposter syndrome and wondering like, maybe it's all in my head, is this gonna work for other women? But turns out it worked for other women. .

Oh my gosh. I love that. So did you au, did you start with the small group from the get-go or did you do like one-on-one coaching? First?

I started with a small group. I did like a beta version of my program, like a rough draft round at super discount. Hey guys, who wants to be a beta student for me? I'm doing this to collect, um, social proof that, you know, this program, when I launch it to the public, it actually works. Yeah. And it was a leap of faith for me. I was like, I don't know what's gonna happen. Maybe they're gonna be like, nah, this doesn't work. Yeah. And it was just the most beautiful transformations and testimonials and it helped give me the confidence move from imposter syndrome to like, damn, this works for you guys too and have been public ever since. So always group coaching. And I've actually just recently added one-on-ones to the program. Um, and I'm hiring another coach to help me out with that because it's getting to the point where I'm, yeah, it's, I wanna also work in peace and not be doing everything .

Yeah. Yeah. It's hard with the systems as you like grow and scale, like they say new level new devils. So you Yes. Knew that you get to Yeah. That you get to learn. Um, oh my gosh, my mind is in blank with what I was just getting ready to ask you. So nervous system repair mm-hmm. , let's talk about that, what that actually means. Because we talked about a little bit of security, we talked about the trauma, um, but I know our overall theme was how our nervous system, well first of all, how can that be blocking us from business breakthroughs and then how can we actually then repair it to mm-hmm. move our business forward?

Yeah, I love that. And this is what I can geek out on. So cut me off if I start going too much. But, um, with nervous system repair, you know, with those two different nervous system states, the sympathetic, which is that danger, danger, survival, and the parasympathetic, which is like the rest digest that I can breathe, I'm safe. You know, the goal is not to always be in the good one. We're gonna be triggered right into the, the survival state, but it, it's to learn how to come back to homeostasis. And so repairing your nervous system is really for, you know, people who after years of repetitive trauma are staying in that state of hypervigilance of survival, learning how to move into a state of safety where your breath is open, you know, your muscles are relaxed, your heart rate is normal, you know, your, your body, your, your nervous system, your cells, your muscles have returned to a place of homeostasis and calm.

And, you know, way to really go about it is grounding techniques. We get really, really into um, just, there's a million grounding techniques, you can Google it, but my favorite to offer people is the five senses. So it's in a moment of trigger. If you're noticing like in your business, you're getting all like, ah, like anxiety or, um, ruminating thoughts or fear of, you know, not reaching your revenue goals, whatever it is, just stopping and naming five things you see four things you can hear, three things you can touch physically, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. And what that does is it takes you out of that sympathetic back into the parasympathetic. And the reason it's so important to get back into your body, especially with what I've noticed it being a key in business breakthrough is, you know, when we're in that state of survival, that nervous energy, that anxiety, it shuts down the part of our brain that has creative thinking, you know, and the ability to even envision a future.

So many women, when I hop on the phone with 'em for the first time and I'm like, where's your marriage been at? What's you struggling? They can rattle it off like easy. And then when I ask, where do you wanna be in our marriage? Like deer in headlights, like so many people are like, I haven't thought of that. Because when you're stuck in that survival mode, you can't really think about possibilities. Like it really does shut down that part of your brain. And so I noticed the more I practiced this, it first of all aligned me, you know, onto this path of marriage coaching, which for me is so aligned. I didn't always do this before this. I was in a network marketing career for years and successful in that. But I had reached my, you know, expiration date and this, you know, set me on this track. But then every time I've deepened the nervous system work and healed my body a little more, I've noticed new breakthroughs in the business as well.

 Oh my gosh, I love that. That's so cool. I, um, I have heard of that technique, but it's been a really long time and I don't think that in the way I heard it, they called it grounding. Yeah. So, oh, let's learn that. Do you have another one? That's a quick grounding technique that you like to use.

Okay. Lindsay, have you ever like traced, have or traced a friends or had somebody trace your body with chalk on the sidewalk before? Yeah. Mm-hmm. . So, uh, you can do that in your bedroom like any, at any point you can lay down, you know, on a floor and just imagine in your mind's eye and closing your eyes like somebody tracing the outline of your body with chalk. And there's a big word called prop proprioception, which is the awareness of your body and space. And when you do that, when you just in your mind's eye, you know, picture your body being traced and becoming aware of the outlines of your own, your own being, it does something. It brings you back into that, you know, um, parasympathetic nervous system. We should

 Oh yeah. That's so cool. If this was like a drinking game for parasympathetic , the amount of times I've said that .

Yeah, that's really I should do in the intro. , you wanna play along with our game here? I love that. Um, I have not heard that one, so I'm gonna definitely give that one a try cuz I really love that. Yeah. I think the visualization for me is super strong. Um, and I, maybe that's with some practice over time, but I never realized, at least before, how strong visualizing can be. Do you do visualization with your um, clients as well?

I do, yeah. I have a guided somatic safety visualization that like walks them through the root chakra, which is the safety programming in the body and helps move you from like a place of trigger to safety. But yeah, visualization. I've tried like affirmations for years, especially in the network marketing career I was in, like they were big on the affirmations and the visualizations and I would find that I would sometimes it would sometimes work, sometimes not. And then when I added in the nervous system work, it was like, whoa, like these visualizations like were actually coming true in my life. I was like, what is this for the first time? And what I learned, you know, with this is our body has a big nerve running from the base of our head to the bottom of our spine called the vagus nerve. It's like this super high wave of information.

- So all of our neurotransmitters like travel up and down this vagus nerve sending messages from our brain to our body. 20% of those messages go from our brain to our body and 80% go from our body to our brain. Oh. So if you're like trying to reach new breakthroughs in whatever area of life it is, business, relationship, health, wealth, um, doing things from like the neck up, like talking or saying affirmations or visualizing or you know, traditional talk therapy, listening to podcasts, all of those things, you know, serve part. But if you're only doing those and not getting into your body, it's like a salmon swimming upstream. So if you wanna work with the 80% of the direction that your body's messages are being sent, incorporating the body into the visualizations will like superpower your visualizations.

 I've never heard it described that way, but that makes so much sense. So is that why journaling? Like is journaling part of that 80%? Is that why people add in journaling to make it more powerful or do you mean like full body?

Hmm journaling? Actually I hadn't thought about that one. Like, because it's using your hand, like I do know journaling taps into multiple parts of your brain center mm-hmm , but I don't know which one that would be in now I'm curious to check. But one, one thing is like EF f t tapping, have you heard of that? You know, you're tapping on the meridian points. Um, that's a way, um, to incorporate the body into those visualizations or just like making sure your body is calm first before you do that. So maybe you use a grounding tool and then start to visualize. Um, and it superpowers, it .

Oh my gosh. I love that. I'm gonna definitely add that too. I need to be taking notes over here. I'm gonna have to go back and our own interview to add some of this into my daily routine. This is so good. Um, so I didn't know you were a network marketer as well. I don't know if you know that about my story, but I also No marketing. That's kind of how I got started. So do you feel as though your career in network marketing has helped you in your business in any way? Whether that's social media, knowing a little bit online or any of that?

A thousand percent. I wouldn't have been like, even half is ready for this if it weren't for the network marketing experience. Like going live and leading a team and you know, being comfortable on camera, like being able to teach like there's so many skills. Um, but it just felt like I reached an expiration date with that. And at first I was like, I can do both and I know you do many things. I admire you cuz you juggle so many balls. But yeah, I was just like, I, I need to pick one and I feel called towards

This. Yeah. And that's, that is definitely where I'm at. I'm like, I'm going all in and my book is taking whatever, whatever little umbrellas that ends up taking. But um, and I had to make that decision a couple years ago too cuz I'm like, it's so hard. But at the end of the day, um, I had a, I don't normally cuss on the show, but I had a mentor tell me, um, what did he, how did he word it? You can't ride two horses with one ass so , you need to pick which horse you're, and I'm like, so cute. Yeah. I tell it to my clients still. I, I remind myself that every time that I'm like, I'm diving all in and something new. Um, but it, I mean it's true. You gotta, you know, you gotta have your priorities. For sure. So how do you, because we talk a lot about productive productivity on this show. How do you um, you know, structure your day or are there any little things in your business that you have found have really helped you be able to grow and scale it while also, you know, being a wife, having your family, doing all those things?

 Yeah, I just listened to your podcast on your 10 tips actually.

 Oh yeah. . Yeah,

It was really good. Okay. Um, so yeah, as far as that, cuz I do have two little kids, you know, and we've got soccer going on, you know, it's definitely like a busy schedule. And so Google Calendar is my go-to. I have to put everything into Google Calendar and I'm just so grateful for the reminders

Yeah, absolutely.

\That it sets. And so I'm more of that type of person than actually putting it in a journal. Mm-hmm. . Um, it's been helping me because with network marketing, I would say I spent like 10 years just strung out on hustle. Like I was the high achieving, hyper achieving, you know, next goal. Like not really knowing how to stop and anchor in the wins and like rest. Like I was just psycho to be honest. like doing it all. We've done that.

 So I'm like, I reached a point where I was burned out. Mm-hmm. And so now like I really have to be intentional and I'm still undoing a lot of that even, you know, it's the second of the month, but I was noticing, um, month end, right. That was in network marketing when it was like go balls to the wall, like gungho, you know, the most anxious part of the month for me. And I've spent four years with that being kept, you know, the body keeps the score. My body remembers that. So I was telling my coach, you know, month end this past week, like, hey, I'm noticing a lot coming up. Like I'm just anxious to go, go, go, go, go. Yeah. And it was, I put up a guardrail, this new guardrail that I'll just offer this cuz this is practical of, um, of writing down gratitudes every day for what I'm grateful for what happened, and really learning how to anchor that in. And I notice every time I've come with that posture and like slowed down enough to anchor that into my business, the business really expands. Like, it's almost funny how coincidental, it's like the days that I have off, that's when I have, I look at my phone again and it's like a million sales call, not a million. That is such an exaggeration, but many sales calls booked as opposed to the days when I'm like close to my phone and trying to make things happen.

 Yeah. Do you happen to know your human design?

 Manifesting generator? What are you, are you a projector? I ama  Projector. I think I saw that. Yeah.

 Yes, I am, but I'm not surprised. Well, and I swore, and I think I've talked about this on the show before I swore I was a manny gen, like swore like my, I have a friend who is, and she was saying all these things. So I'm like, that's me, that's me, that's me. Um, but projector kind of makes sense too, but I was wondering that when you said that about rest. Yes. Um, if that was one of your, which I know Manny Jens can kind of ha like everyone can kind of have little bits of other, um, people Yeah. Or like other types, but

Do you know the Enneagram?

I'm an eight.

 Eight. Ah, love it. Challenger.

 Yeah. Yeah. That's me all the way through.

I love it. I am a one.

 I'm, I'm an eight and then my secondary like three, one are almost tied. Yeah. For my secondary. Yep. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. Yep. I, well, and that's so funny. Like anytime that I have talked to another network marketing leader, it's like eight three or one .

That's so funny.

 Yeah. It's like one of those three, which makes sense, you know? Mm-hmm. when you think about what you have to do to get to the top of a company or even build your own business largely. Um, awesome. Okay. So tell us where can everyone find you? How can they work with you? What do you currently have going on? All the ways.

Yeah. Instagram is my favorite over Facebook any day. I do have a Facebook group if you wanna drop it in the show notes, but Instagram is the best place you can DM me. I'm in there every day actually trying to respond like a real human. Wow. Um, I have my signature program for married women, the six month container. So if you have questions about that, let me know. I always like to see if and how I can help you. And if I'm not a good fit, I can point you in the direction of somebody who can. And I do have a masterclass coming up on this month. I don't know when this is gonna air, but on May 16th at 12 noon. Yes.

 Awesome. We'll drop the link to that in the show notes too. I, okay. So I, I thought of one other question that I had thought of earlier when we were chatting mm-hmm. . So your program is for women. Is there, at any point in your program, do you, um, bring in the men or do you bring in the spouse? Because I'm like thinking to myself, and again, I'm not married, but I'm thinking to myself like, this is a two-way street, so if I'm doing the work, he better be doing some work too. Right. ,

- I love that question

It's a, it's a common question. I don't currently have men in the program, but the women who are in the program are allowed to share the modules with their husbands. Um, the only time I've talked with men are on the like initial discovery call and they're like, who is this chick you met off the internet? And they wanna vet me and it makes sense and I want them to ask all the questions they need to ask. But it's actually really empowering for a lot of women because what I've found with so many is I tend to attract, I don't know why the women who feel like they're carrying the burden of like trying to save the marriage and hubby they don't feel like is putting in the same amount of effort. Yeah. And so they have been held back by this limiting belief for so long that like, I can't change my marriage if he's not on board.

Yeah. And it is a really empowering secret that I like to dish that you can actually save your marriage even if your husband's not on board today. Because when you get to the energetics and you learn how to show up in a different energy from rewriting your subconscious blueprint, you go from holding up this sign, well that says basically like, I cannot be trusted to a sign that says I'm safe. Like welcome. And it, you're able to shift the toxic dance simply by the work that you're doing. Mm-hmm. . And so what I found is a lot of husbands who's are not on board at the beginning, like this has been the game changer for women and not the years of, Hey, read this book, or let's go to a couples therapy or whatever, you know, attempts, we try to change them. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that makes complete sense. I love that. Um, okay. Rapid fire questions that I like to ask at the end. Uh, morning routine, evening routine, neither both. What's your take?

Uh, I used to be so routine oriented before kids. Um, I would say like both in ideal in reality. Like none right now. .

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's totally fair. I love it. Best or favorite personal development and or business book that you have read? I know it's hard or one you're currently reading. I, I think that in there too, cuz sometimes it's easier.

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer.

Ooh, I've never heard of that. Oh good.

- Every type one needs it. .

 Okay, good. Then I'm buying it tonight. . Love it. And then last one, favorite vacation spot or one on your list that you are gonna go to?

I think my favorite vacation I ever took was my honeymoon to the Dominican. It was amazing. I wanna go back every day

Or where'd you go?

What'd you say?

Were you in Punta Cana? Yeah. Okay. Yeah,

I was, yeah, the resort was the RIU Palacio.

Yep. Yep. I've heard of that. Oh, I don't think that's the one I stayed at. I don't think. Oh my gosh, it's been so long ago. I need to go back though. from Central Beach. I was just saying it's so gross here in Ohio today. It's like 42 and rainy and I'm like, this is May, what is happening? 

Same here. It's like 42 Rainy. I'm in Northern Virginia. . Yeah.

What, what is this? I'm over it. . Mm-hmm. over it. All right. Well Becky, thank you so, so much everyone. I will make sure that I drop all of her links in the show notes and in my email if you're on my email list. And so you guys can go and find Becky, connect with her, take a screenshot of this when you're listening. Tag us on social. We would love to keep the conversation going. Thanks again, Becky. Thanks, Lindsay.

 And that's a wrap on today's episode. I hope you're leaving today Inspired Princess to create own and spread your magic to the world. If you found Bayou in this episode or no, a girlfriend who needs to hear it, would you screenshot it and send it to her? And if you're feeling really generous, pop it up on your IG stories and tag me at Lindsay Dollinger so I can see you loved it and tell you thank you. I appreciate you. Now let's go do some amazing things. Bye-bye.